My Cherry Red Sports Car

Women aren't supposed to have mid-life crises. We're supposed to be more practical.

So instead of buying a Ferrari and looking for a young hottie we're supposed to experience an annoying but predictable menopause. We've been hearing about it much of our adult lives. It's both blessing and curse.

The blessing: We can relax and kick up our heels secure that we no longer have to worry about getting pregnant. The curse: The big M comes with an uncontrollable bod warmer that would frustrate all of hell's devils and an interminal crankiness akin to the ire that would accompany a five-year pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I seem doomed (or maybe blessed) to experience both menopause AND a mid-life crisis. I'm not at all thrilled with what's become of my life. I never dreamed of being a data entry clerk, after all.

But I can't afford a Ferrari. Heck, I can't even afford a Ford Pinto! So I went for the fantasy equivalent. My little red sports car came in the form of model and lesbian "erotica" star Nella Miartusova (Catch a glimpse of her at www.real-fashion.net/models/nella-miartusova).

The first time I saw her I knew she was special beyond physique and way beyond erotica. So I vowed to use my way with words to get to know her. I vowed to find out everything I could. I figured she had lots of fans, but the fog of my mid-life crisis convinced me that I was the one who could really get to her heart, get her to open up.

I'm not an "erotica" (aka porn) fan. So I had no idea that thousands (perhaps millions) of others had the same plan.

Still, I managed to meet her, sort of. I emailed her, and she emailed me back, perhaps thinking I was a regular fan. At first I thought her emails might have originated from a bald guy in Cleveland whom she'd hired to answer fanmail. But I later became convinced that it was actually Ms. Miartusova (known, of course, by many other names) who had answered me.

She inspired me to write music (at least four tunes). I shared one tune with her, and she sent a short note just to say that she loved it.

Then I took things a bit far with a two-page email translated into her native Czech using a machine translator. I tried to be poetic and honest and touching. I used the one thing that had always worked before, I used my words. But how was I to know that she had heard them all before? How was I to know that I sounded like one of those obsessed nuts that filmmakers build their creepiest horror movies around?

O.K. I should have known. But I was as earnest as a child and blinded by my need for an adventure (and a true desire to meet a woman that I still believe contains at least some uncommon goodness and light).

This experience, although embarrassing in retrospect, wasn't a total waste.

It marked the beginning of my journey to self discovery. It was the door to a scary but enlightening exploration of my mid-life crisis.

Anyway, we have plenty of time to discuss this and more. I'll be here on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays to chat with you. I'd like to hear from you too.

I look forward to making your acquaintance.